Disappointment is the Theme

This is what the week has been like.  Disappointment.  Disappointed in people.  I don't like being cynical but it's disheartening when people let you down.

I got told some time ago, you don't let people get close to you because I didn't want to open up about dealing with cancer.  Ok, I did today and got met with silence. I shared with someone about being thrown off by Shannen Doherty dying.  Nothing.  No response.  Ok.  I'll change the subject.

Do I want to talk about bad stuff in my life?  NO.  Would it be nice to open up and have someone respond about your fears?  YES.  

I understand why Shannen did her podcast.  It was cathartic.  Like me writing everyday.  I feel bad. I feel sad, but I feel productive.  A lot of times it helps to write things down.  I'm not dying.  I'm just horribly lonely. I don't feel like people are sincere most of the time and even when I joined a support group, I felt ganged up on.  I had found a message from the moderator of the group I had joined and they said they hoped it wasn't because of bullying.  Yeah.  It was.  

I am horribly disappointed about the response I got from the lurker.  Deflection.  Misdirection.  Not really answering my questions.  Those are the things that make me feel invisible.

This week really kind of sucked. I was productive though.  I guess that's a good thing.  No laptops melted down so that's a really big win.

I'm just feeling disappointed and I feel better saying it out loud or on a piece of paper that nobody will see.  

Someone said to me before the holidays that they were there for me if I needed anything. I thought Are you?  Prove it.  I just nodded, knowing that's just what people say to be polite when they see you're hurting.

Just disappointing.