The Bullies We Know

 I made the mistake of scrolling on my phone last night and found a horrible article on People about a 10 year welll, how do I put it?  He's no longer here and it was by his choice.  He couldn't take it anymore because of bullies.  Great night time reading, I know.  

It horrified my mom what kids did to me when I've told her not too long ago.  She said you should have told us.  We should have moved. I said No, kids bully.  Didn't matter if I lived in South Milwaukee or Greendale or West Allis.  There are bullies everywhere and they seem to find me.

If it's not in school, it's been at work, relationships, teachers, the list goes on and on.  I accepted it.

I was hit in the face in the sixth grade and came home at lunch with blood all over kind of white clothing. I remember wearing a Milwaukee Brewers shirt and painters pants.  She wanted to fight me and she was actually smaller than me but stronger than me and socked me in the nose.  The school never did anything.  My dad came home in his work clothes and took me for x-rays at the clinic.  My dad called the school principal a bad word.  It may be a nickname for a cat but in his context, he didn't mean it that way.  He was appalled that nobody called us and they wouldn't have done anything until he said something. They suspended her for a day.  I had her sister corner me and yell at me for what happened.  I look back and think well that's what happens with kids.

I'm thankful for no social media back in the day because the next serious bully would have made sure to make my life a living hell if she had her way.  She died actually about a year ago and they were doing a celebration of life.  Seems ironic since she made my life miserable.  Everyday in art class, she would make comments about how ugly I was.  Then when we worked with a partner on making plaster masks, she told my partner to make the nose huge and make sure it reflects how ugly I am.  She said I was so ugly I should do us all a favor and drown myself in Lake Michigan.  When I came back from being out of school for two weeks after a serious case of bronchitis, I couldn't stop coughing in class and she and another girl imitated me coughing so hard and laughing. They were fake dying while I was doing it on the inside, wishing I could stay home forever.

The teachers weren't better.  It was kids being kids and it got better as time went on.  I didn't enjoy school. I didn't want to exist some days. I didn't want to take my life but I just wanted to stop feeling so bad.  I didn't want life to be miserable.  I thought it has to get better and I thought maybe when I was done with school it would stop.  

Then the workplace became women wanting to take each other down.  Why?  That was even more scarier.  I dodged a lot of knives and got plenty stuck in my back.  

It was such a shock to get accused of bullying by Betsy, the paralegal who wanted me fired.  She made up stories about me and I cringe at what she told.  I had to put a cat down.  She had behavioral issues and she seemed to be losing control of her bladder one day and I called the Humane Society. I wanted her to find a home. I didn't want to do anything and they said, you got to bring her in.  I hung up, put my head down on my desk and sobbed.  Betsy came over and comforted me when that happened. I didn't realize a year later, that I would be sitting in a meeting with managers, fearing for my job and being accused of being scary because well, she made me cry.  She said I was intimidating and implied I was a bully.  I didn't know how I was going to get through that. 

I thought things would get better when we split up but we had to sit by each other and she had the person who replace me take a rude attitude with me.  I remember leaving one day for a holiday and she told me to have a good holiday.  I thanked her and wished her the same.  I realized I left my cell phone in my desk and when I came back, Betsy was unhappy to see me.  She was happy to be rid of me and annoyed when I got my phone.  A few days later, I saw her in someone's office and knew it was about me.  

I wished I could disappear at that time. I wished that something would happen so I didn't walk in everyday and feel that hate directed at me.  I wished that something would take me out because I just couldn't take this anymore.

Be careful what you wish for because I found out I had something that could have ended me.  

It was painful that I had to make peace and make nice with this bully when I knew she didn't like me.  She seemed to like me at times but there were somedays I wished this person would be out of my life.  To be honest, dealing with a bully was worse than cancer.  

She was someone that had to be babied and catered to all the time.  It was exhausting to deal with someone so demanding and so critical of everything.  And she lied.  I knew she was a liar. She showed me something that a person wrote about her and it was all true. She was upset and I couldn't say well, you do act like that.  I had to make it nice for my bully.  

It was a relief we didn't have to be back at the office.  It was like I can be happy.  I don't have to sit at a White Elephant party and pretend it doesn't hurt me that I picked the gift that had the red period underwear and toilet cleaning kit while everyone laughed at me and took pleasure at my embarrassment.

I may be a little lonely at times, but I'm lonely for kind people.  I'm not lonely for that type of people.  NO WAY.  Not anymore.

I wouldn't say that I was bullied, but humiliated by Harold for who I was and my experiences or in my case, lack of experience.  See Rebel Wilson's book for a hint.  I felt like There's nothing about you that anyone will want because you don't live up to this expectation.  Nobody will want you so I'll tell you how to make yourself that someone will want.  He wanted Penny Lane from Almost Famous.  He got me and I lived with that feeling of not feeling like I'm enough for a long, long time.

It is a hard life and it doesn't make it easier when you are around people that make everyday so difficult.  

Kindness isn't a weakness.  I'm sick of this notion of a boy or a man who is kind and thoughtful is a weakling or a sissy.  I can't stand that Tim Allen show.  I think of that stupid grunting garbage he used to do on his show.  I feel so upset for that little 10 year old that didn't think he was good enough for this world. 

I have a few Facebook friends from high school.  There was a group that was related to our high school and someone mentioned a kid that brought his suitcase to school. I remembered that kid.  Lots of people made fun of that kid and this one particular friend stood up for him.  He said I wish I would have had a conversation with this kid in high school and find out what he was about.  I thought that was a wonderful thing to say and people kind of shut up.  This friend of mine has served in the military and is a decent and thoughtful person. I wouldn't say oh, he's a tough guy because he served in the military. He's a good human because he thinks of other people and their feelings. 

I get passionate about people not voting for Joe Biden.  Yeah, he's going to be 82.  Yeah, he gets his words mixed up. So do I.  I don't know Joe, but hee knows people like me.  He's the guy that stands up to the bullies. He's a good human.  Even if he tells them to shut up.