All I want for Christmas - Quit patting me on the head

 Sigh.

I am trying to end the year on a high note and I felt lower than low yesterday.

I saw my last doctor for the year who is incredibly kind and so easy to talk to when I see him.  I picked him because he looked like the "kind dad" from his picture and I am sure he is.  

When I joked about my anxiety, he became alarmed about what I was taking and asked if I was seeing a mental health professional.  Or using something along with my anxiety meds.  It was still kindness, don't get me wrong.  I know he's a good person.  It felt like a good person who was maybe making me feel like a mess.  When he left he said the things that people said "I'm here if you need anything."   The pat on the head that people don't mean.

I have no doubt I could benefit from a therapist but do people understand that is one more co-pay that I can't afford?  I paid for this visit with a credit card.  I was hoping that they would ask me if they could bill me and give me some breathing room but I came prepared and I thought well I probably won't be back until 2025.  Or maybe not at all, depending on the state of our politics and the next election.  

I need help but of a different kind.  I need a friend that will physically show up and help me.  Right now, I need affordable housing and that doesn't seem to be a reality.  I need help with a downstairs neighbor who would love nothing more than for me and my mom to leave.  He is now leaving our side door unlocked at night or leaving our hall light on to run up our electricity bill.  Thanks to him he has run my energy bill from $165 to $255.  He has cripped me financially.  I need help with that.  Not a therapist.

I need a friend that will maybe be a friend to my mom who is struggling with her vision.  It breaks my heart that she doesn't go for walks anymore.  She is happy to have taken over my kindle and read the big print but I am sad.

I need people to show up and to quit with the words.  I need action, not platitudes.  I need to be truly listened to and hugged when I am shaking with fear.  I need to laugh when all I feel like doing is crying.

I need a break.  

I need 2024 to not break my heart.  2023 has broken me.  Will anyone listen to me?  That answer seems to be NO.  



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