Not Okay But It Will be Okay

 I hung up on someone that works in customer service for my medical provider today.

I wasn't mad.  I was annoyed.  I was tired and hung up while they looked for a number for me to call.  

I've been through this drill.  You'll have to call this person.  No, you'll have to call these people.

No, I'm hanging up.  I'm done. 

It's been part of my stress dealing with medical bills.

It was really simple.  I get a bill each month for my month, well, for any medical thing.  Somehow December wound up on the billing but eh, whatever.  It got paid off a couple of weeks ago.  

For some reason, I got a notice when my May bill came in and it asked for me to put it on a payment plan.  I thought ok.  I didn't know how I could combine it but I was set to pay $50 each month until it's paid off.  No problem.  The bill was $143

My shots usually run $143.  The first bill is the killer because I don't have my deductible in so it was $1200 for January.  Great way to start the year off.  Awesome.  I paid it off a couple of weeks ago along with the December bill.  So I'm left with the February, March, April bill. And then the bill for May was separate.

Took me 3 days to get a person.  I really just wanted to make things easier so I wasn't in a rush.  The person on the phone just told me I didn't call the right people.  He would find me the number.  Wrong number?  It's on my bill?  I wasn't mean or rude, but I'm like what number should I look for?  It just wasn't worth it.  I thought this just exhausts me.

I had people at the insurance companies tell me about the hoops and authorizations I need to jump through over the years.  I was told by one customer rep that I need to calm down because I called up crying and shaking because one of my bills got denied.

My maximum for paying each year is $2500.  It changed like 2 years ago when I was used to paying $1500.  So it'll take $10,000 for me to make sure I won't get cancer again.

I'm scared not to do it.  And I"m tired of doing it.

I'm just not ok today.  Tomorrow might be different.  I'm not ok.  Just not ok.  I want to be a happy person but I feel like hardship is just another day in paradise for me.

I will try to find the positive when I wake up tomorrow, but today?  Not ok.  Just. Not. Ok. 

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