Being Happy

 If there is anything that has been good about the pandemic, it's working at home.  It's a relief.  It's not to say there isn't issues, no situation is perfect, but this has worked for me and I'm happy.  I can't believe how happy it makes me.

I never understood office socializing. I got into trouble a lot for being "quiet" or being "introverted".  Is it a bad thing to be productive?  I did talk to people, but I just didn't know what to say a lot of times because I didn't have the same interests or I just found myself trying to look interested in something I knew nothing about that and it was painful.

I will never understand why back stabbing is a sport, especially among women.  Why?  I started my first office job in the early 90s and there was a wonderful woman that worked in a different group that worked with at night.  I had zero training but lots of opportunity for overtime.  When you're getting paid pennies, overtime looked good.  I thought she was so sweet and funny and I loved it when she pulled out the big radio and we listened to music while we worked.

This woman had enemies.  She talked back to certain women in the office and they wanted her gone. They succeeded.  It appeared she went on vacation and she never came back.  They fired her during her time off.  That was scary to me.  That is a lot of my anxiety, fearing someone coming for me.

It happened sometime ago.  I was paired with someone who found was sending messages to my manager about me and when the opportunity came up for a big mistake, I got quite the tongue lashing from this person.  I knew something was wrong and I just lost it.  I went to a higher up who wasn't my manager and asked for a job reference.  It was months of stress of trying to work with this person, coddling her when she was in a mood and trying to be sympathetic. I couldn't take it anymore and I felt like I was hated.  This same person saw me crying in that person's office.  She didn't talk to me for 3 days.  I went to lunch that day and pulled myself together.  I thought, I have to find another job.  I can't do this.  

I thought things were getting better until she reported me for not telling her I was taking a couple of days off.  She hadn't given me a chance to talk to her and she found out from someone else.  Then she ran to a higher up and I don't even want to know what was said. I wound up having to have a one on one with her where she screamed that I was scary for crying.  For crying?  Are you kidding me?  I'm a marshmallow.  I had pointed out that I had tried to talk to her about problems and that I can't fix a problem if she doesn't tell me. Finally, the higher ups saw the light that I was making an effort.

I moved to a different group a few months later.  It still took me some time for this person to talk to me in a civil tone.  I never knew what would happen from one day to the next.  She did move onto someone else that wasn't making her happy. And then another person.  And then another person.  I wound up scarred by this and I felt like any confidence I had went to hell.

Some time had passed after I moved to another group and I had heard her tell someone that being nice to me is an effort.  She has to wear boots to do it.  When I came around the corner, she looked red in the face. I wasn't going to say anything.  I just wanted her to leave me alone.  She had overheard me talk to someone about the tests I had going on before my cancer diagnosis and she announced to people that she was very worried about me.

I never came out directly and told anyone because of comments like that.  I don't need insincerity like that when my life for a long time was made out to be a living hell of anxiety and terror.  I stayed away at night scared that I was going to be looking for another job.  I was just scared and tearful and it just took so much for me to show up every day and pretend it was ok when I was dying in more ways than one.  Literally.

I made the best and made nice because that's who I am.  I didn't want any trouble. I don't want any drama.  There were days I felt tormented by the sight of her.  My own bully sitting across from me.  It's a relief not to pretend anymore.

I have one close female friend. I would love to have a group of women friends like the Sex and the City girls.  I think it's great when women have each other's backs and can call on them when things are tough.

I'm ok with my one friend. Maybe it's better that way for me.  

I'm happy being at home  I feel like I can be myself and it's ok to be an introvert.  It's who I am.