The Blues

 I seem to have a case of the loneliness blues.  I have felt kind of meh and just blah the last day or so.  When I went on my walk, I wanted to cry but I didn't.  I'm just tired of being lonely.

Yeah, I know there's people I can talk to or reach out to when I need to talk to someone.  I can even talk to work people.  Gasp!  I know.  Not the diva.  Forget that weirdo.  It's not the same as someone that lives nearby.

My mom had wondered why I was sad when I found out that Cassie was moving a few years ago.  She asked Did she ever invite you to see her apartment?  I said no.  How many times did you see her a year?  Maybe once if I was lucky.  I guess that wasn't as deep as friendship as I thought.  I know I have a deeper friendship with Corinne even though she lives 4 hours away.  The whole Cassie thing was embarrassing and still embarrassing.  I feel like such an idiot.  

I know.  Join a club!  Do something online!  People are nuts online.  I'm not joining a club but I have gone to several book club events where I thought I could strike up a conversation with someone.  Not unless you're one of the book club people.  For book nerds, those women seemed kind of bitchy.  

I got the feeling that Cassie thought I was always looking for a ride to a medical appointment and that is really humiliating.  When I told her that one doctor mentioned if something failed, then I might need something removed - it was female.  I won't dig deep and I'm fine.  She went on about that specific body part and how she wished for it to be healthy.  Thanks, but I wasn't looking to spend any time in the hospital.  

Yeah.  Cancer tells you a lot.  People are weird and it's the rare person who'll show up.  I've been told that if I date, I shouldn't mention it.  People get upset about these things.  What the absolute?  You know what word I'm thinking.  I'm not dating and if people, especially men, are that shallow then I'll be alone, I guess.  

Who wants people like that around?  Superficial and freaked out because of an illness.  I think somedays I'm just mourning life and wondering how come I didn't get to experience the more joyful things?  How come I keep getting to experience the painful stuff?  

Anytime I get like this, I do have something good happen.  There might be some good news that happens and I forget how I felt moments ago.  I may not have had a lot of joy in my life, but I cherish those little moments.  Hearing a song that I like brings me joy.  Finding out I'm closer to being debt free brings me joy.  Having a complicated work issue get resolved brings me joy.

I know my story is different than others and I can't nor should I compare to anyone else's life.  I only see pictures or see what story is being told to me.  I don't know what's behind the surface of other's lives.  Maybe someone who looks like they have it all is even more lonelier than I am.

I need a hug.  Where's my good humans?

I hope the good humans have a good day.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Way Past My Bedtime

 I crashed before Reverend Raphael Warnock's speech.  The power of DVR saved me. I watched it this morning right up to the point where I had to sign in.  It was fantastic.   Hillary was great.  My mom was crying.  It meant a lot to her to have Hillary win that election and she was crushed. I was crushed.  She always fan girls over Hillary.  It was hard for me to decide in 2008 do I go with Barack or Hillary?  She gave a phenomenal speech. I had to watch Joe this morning.  No, I didn't cry like I usually did.  I got a little teary eyed when his daughter finished her speech and introduced him.  That nice man made sure his little boys had a dad that came home every night after they lost their mom and baby sister.  He took his oath of office by their bedsides.  He got a second chance with Jill and having a daughter.  He's such a good human.  Yeah, he looks 81.  He lit that stage on fire with a torch....
Read more

The Dark Things

I sometimes wonder about this when I'm in a brooding mood about how I got treated at a low time in my life.  Or lowest. Would people have been relieved if I just died?   Really.  I have thought the answer was yes.  I'm not talking about my family. I am talking about those who made their discomfort known to me.   They could have had some fake ceremony and a moment of silence.  There wouldn't have been a funeral so they could have forgotten about that part.  They would have excelled at pretending to care about my life if I wasn't here. Then, I had to go do something stupid and survive.  How do we deal with that?  My mentor even mentioned to me, well, you know, none of us have dealt with someone being sick.  Oh, should I get a fucking manual for that?  Excuse the F bomb but that was warranted. When I got my schedule for radiation therapy, I had wanted to talk to my manager about it and find out if it was ok.  I had gotte...
Read more

So Here's the Weekend

 I was having a wishful thinking moment last night when I was writing my postcards.  I was wishing for my imaginary friend that has shades of Stephen Colbert mixed in to show up and go for a walk on this humid July night.  We would talk and maybe check out the food trucks that were at the Farmer's Market last night.  Maybe they would be ok.  Maybe they wouldn't.  We would be getting out of the house and just talking about how our week went for both of us. Maybe we would stop at Pick n' Save and get my mom something she asked for.  He would always know how to talk to my mom and he would be someone she's really comfortable around like Charlie.  We would maybe see Charlie mowing the lawn on his usual Friday night task and talk to him. He might have plans with his kids in the morning so we say our good night with a hug or maybe even something else.  No, I'm not going salacious here.  Get your mind out of the gutter.  Maybe we'd see each...
Read more