So I'm Normal or so it seems

I got my test results back last night.  I'm normal.  That sounds not right for me, but I figured it would be.  

Corinne thought it could be something to do with stress and cortisol.  My whole life is a big stress bucket.  Is there a pill to fix that?  I was starting to lose and then the whole debacle with the house selling threw me off and it's been a bigger uphill battle ever since.

I got one more appointment at the end of the month and that subject will be brought up.  I know it.  I understand it.  I wish it would be understood that I'm not sitting at home eating buckets of candy out of a Halloween pail.  Maybe in my 20's.  That's the part that frustrates me is that nobody seems to see how hard I'm trying and do I like being this weight?  F NO.  I rarely eat any fast food.  I think it's been a few months since I had a couple of chicken tacos .  I did eat more when I worked in the office but it's been pretty scarce now.

My mom wanted me to ask if I could take the anti depressant she's on that has actually helped her lose weight. I said that's not going to go over well.  It's going to look like I'm going for a quick fix.  I just don't even want to have that conversation.

I threw out the Nutella sticks that I was going to eat after my appointment. We're changing our Sunday meal to something a little kinder health wise.  We were going to have chicken enchiladas but for now, I'm in emergency crisis mode.  Things need to start moving down.  That's all.

While people post of how wonderful their lives are on social media, I finally did something that people don't.  Tell the truth. I posted the picture of me that made me burst into tears and see how unhappy I was with my weight.  It was a picture of me, my niece, Charlotte, my niece's husband and my mom.  I thought oh my god, I ruined the picture. I look like a monster.  I wrote the truth about dealing with medication that was unkind to weight and that even after 2 years of being off of it, I'm still struggling with it. I got a few likes - you like that I'm fat?  Is that what it means?  No, I think it means, I get you, some care emojis and a kind message from Corinne.

I had tried talking to Cassie two years ago about my struggles with myself and I was met with silence. I heard plenty about her therapy sessions and I always responded that I was glad that things were going well.  When I got the message from Corinne about her own struggles, I realized I had the friend I needed.

I also asked her when they went to Door County, if they could find Cassie's condo and have one of the dogs leave something.

Yeah, I'm a petty bitch.  I didn't mean it, but I was having a moment.  

I have to push through it.  It's my goal the next few weeks to have a jump down instead of up so at least at my appointment it can be seen as I'm trying.

I have been.  I want to show the receipts, damn it.  It feels like my word is nothing some times. I don't fault those who question me, but I know how people are so you know what?  I don't blame any medical person's skepticism on the subject.  

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