The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 People have their resolutions.  Their hopes for a new year. I don't need anymore bad news.  Please pass on me.  Save it for a different year.  2023 was expensive, heartbreaking crushing and probably the loneliest year for me. I would like for people to quit offering me their solutions on how to fix myself and maybe spend time with me.  I don't tell people how to fix their lives?  Are you lives perfect?  I am not going to spend a lot of time on social media.  I can't take the perfect people of social media land.  It is just too much.   It's like you know how phony and annoying you are to the rest of the world when you show off your perfect life?   I am going to work on my postcards and letter writing for the next election.  It'll make me feel productive.  My friend knew that I was struggling financially and when I mentioned that I applied for a free letter writing kit, she mailed me stamps for my birthday....

 I do have friends.  I do have family.  I don't have them in a zip code near me. I became reacquainted with a co-worker and someone I really liked before she retired 10 years ago.  We are friends and I couldn't be happier. I always liked her and well she got bullied by the same person who came after me when she left.  I still feel bad that I didn't reach out to her after she left.  I am happy that we have been messaging back and forth the last year, or almost a year.  I have missed her. She also lives about 3 or 4 hours away from me.  She used to live near by me but her and her husband moved a few years ago and I couldn't be happier for her.  She married her long time love about 5 years ago.  It's a story that a movie could be made out of it and it thrilled me when I found out from another co-worker when she posted pictures.  Even though I don't expect to hear from her much since she is now officially retired - she makes a point to ...

 So my downstairs neighbor seems to be on a binge of marijuana.  The smell was so bad you could almost taste it.  Last Christmas, I had problems with vertigo when I would wake up that would seem to stop after a couple of weeks. On Wednesday night, he had a screaming binge.  We couldn't make out what he said and we didn't want to know what he was saying.  He appeared to be alone.  His girlfriend has been gone for a few days so we don't know if something happened or what. And then yesterday, I came downstairs to check the mail and he left the door wide open.  Anyone could have walked in.  Anyone could have gotten into our basement and hide, waiting for my mom and I, ready to attack. I felt sick.  He did it a second time.  I messaged my landlord and there wasn't anything he could do other than talk to him and I said he won't listen.  He'll do something to sabotage us.  We suspect he has tampered with our washer when it has been in...

 I am not high maintenance. I don't think I'm low maintenance.  I got an engine that's ready to fall out of the car. For well over a year and a half I have been dealing with someone who has been intruding on the work that I do and somehow finds herself digging in files I have worked on.  I suspect that she has waged a campaign with a couple of people to let them know that I'm not so competent. I have gotten myself moved into a new situation and with new people.  It has happened before.  There was a need for an assistant in a different location and I worked well with the group I got assigned so I got pulled over permanently and worked with another new group. There has been one person who is relatively new who is incredibly smart and has a lot of great credentials.  She is highly competitive and I feel like she has focused her attention on me.  Why?  I wish I knew.  It's a familiar pattern and I'm so tired of it.  I am not looking to climb...

 I am always relieved when Christmas is over.  It wasn't the worst thing in a world but it's just a relief.   I did not spend my time off watching Christmas movies. I watched the documentary about Alexei Navalny who was up until a couple of days ago was missing.  I had started the documentary before I went to bed the night before Christmas Eve and fell asleep.  I woke up the next morning and got to the part where he and his wife was on the plane.  I knew how this story would end.  He would be arrested as soon as he landed and thrown into jail.  I strangely found inspiration from his story.  He believed in the good fight, no matter what was happening to him.  We always have to speak up.  We can't give up.   We can't lose faith.  I thought he was probably killed when I watched the movie and come to find out that he is in a much worse place.  Somehow he seems to have faith to keep going. Maybe that's my goal fo...

 Sigh. I am trying to end the year on a high note and I felt lower than low yesterday. I saw my last doctor for the year who is incredibly kind and so easy to talk to when I see him.  I picked him because he looked like the "kind dad" from his picture and I am sure he is.   When I joked about my anxiety, he became alarmed about what I was taking and asked if I was seeing a mental health professional.  Or using something along with my anxiety meds.  It was still kindness, don't get me wrong.  I know he's a good person.  It felt like a good person who was maybe making me feel like a mess.  When he left he said the things that people said "I'm here if you need anything."   The pat on the head that people don't mean. I have no doubt I could benefit from a therapist but do people understand that is one more co-pay that I can't afford?  I paid for this visit with a credit card.  I was hoping that they would ask me if they could ...