Believe Me

 It snowed a lot yesterday.  I will probably have to shovel in front of the garage where I park my car because my neighbor will not lift a finger for anything and he let me do all the shoveling last year.  It's in his lease that he has to shovel. It is not in my lease.

He stopped shoveling shortly after he moved and when I tried to take recycling out behind the garage, I fell twice on my back.  I thought maybe he would shovel at some point in the day, but after the second time, I had kept my shovel in the trunk of my car in case I got stuck somewhere and shoveled.  My 80 something year old mother went out after she heard about my fall and tried to clean up the snow.  When our neighbor saw what she was doing, he said he would have done it that night.  He told her it was too cold.  When she said all the neighbors shoveled, he got angry and proceeded to talk about how I park in the garage.  He said that I leave so much space that he could lay down on the ground in between my car and the wall.  My mom suggested that maybe he should go lay down.  That was the end of him shoveling.  At least for us.

So last year I shoveled what little we had.  I salted and my mom helped.  We were thankful we didn't have a lot but I was angry that he let his girlfriend shovel while he laid around and smoked weed.

We had some snow around the holidays and I only shoveled by the garage and threw what I could over to his side.  It melted within days.  

I have been sick with a sinus infection and I have a lingering cough that wants to hang out with me.  I can't do it anymore other than in front of the garage to get my car in and out and away from him.

When I pulled into the garage Friday morning, I hadn't realized that there was the lawn mower parked over by our side of the garage.  I am being shoved out of the garage. I was tempted to say something to the landlord, but I hesitated. If it gets worse, I will have to say something.  He has nothing but garbage from his "fake business"

I feel like if I say anything I am the hysterical woman.  I am not to be believed and I am tired of feeling like there should be doubt thrown on me.  When I say something, I speak the truth.  

I lived this nightmare about 15 years ago.  We moved into a four family building and the tenants in the buildings were just unsavory.  The old man that lived above us with his wife were using our washer and dryer in the middle of the night.  He threw garbage on our landing off the balcony and screamed at my mom when she asked him about it.  He would watch me leave in the morning and wave at me.  He just made me uneasy and I found his records on the court website in Idaho.  He had been accused of sexual assault of a minor and the charges were later dropped.  I was not wrong.  There was something not right with him.

And yet, when I mentioned him to a paralegal I worked with, he told me that he didn't believe me.  I'm exaggerating and making things up.  I was shocked and walked away. I wanted to cry because I had been living with this creep for months.  When the paralegal found me at my desk, he said I knew if I said something you would get upset.  More gas lighting.  I never said another word to another person about it.  

When it came time to move, the same paralegal who doubted me was surprised when he heard me talking about moving and how our appliances were used.  He had said, why didn't you tell me this? I could have had a security camera put in to help you.

I replied, "You didn't believe me."

Shortly before I moved out of that building, we talked to a neighbor who had gone through the same feelings we had with this neighbor.  He would come onto her in the basement and do weird things.  It felt like we were validated and not crazy.

I grow weary of having to make excuses for men acting badly or feeling like I'm the one at fault. I think that is part of my hesitation of meeting someone. Are they going to be a bully?  Are they going to be that person who gas lights me?  Been there.  Done that.  No thank you.

I worked with someone who bullied me off and on and even though people knew how this person was, they referred to him as a good family man.  Well not anymore. He's a divorced man.  He could be funny and nice to talk to but if he was in a bad mood, someone would pay for it.  I seemed to be a favorite target.  He made the comment that I probably spend my evenings with Double D batteries. Yeah that's real funny.  He did corner me in my cubicle as I was leaving one night and asked me if I was trying to ruin his career.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  It was a casual comment I made walking by he and his assistant that struck him wrong.  He was applying for a manager's job and he thought the managing attorney heard me.  It wasn't anything bad and I don't have a loud voice that carries.  I kept apologizing to him and he said well now you're getting upset.  He watched me walk out in tears and said well now you're going to cry.

The next day he asked me if we were ok, I said no.  Before he left, I had to do work for him and when he started with the bullying, I stopped talking.  I had people call and ask me why I didn't show up for his going away party.  Well he's a horrible excuse of a human being, what don't people get?  And not too long ago, I had to deal with him for a short period of time. I was relieved when my assignment got changed. He told me he'd miss working with me.  I said I was happy to get my covid shot soon since i was high risk for being a cancer patient.  If you want to know how to chase people away, just say cancer.  Never heard a word from him again.  Good.

I've learned to keep silent and choose my words carefully when it comes to toxic men like my neighbor or past co workers.  I think I'm so isolated sometimes but when I think of instances like that, it's just better to keep to myself.  Safer.

Believe me.