What do you want from me?

This is how I feel this week.  What do you want from me?  I'm giving my all and it's not enough.  I think my last email helped me sign off for the week.  I'm so grateful the weather will be sort of better than it was two weeks ago.  I need to get out of the house tomorrow.

I don't intend to go for spa manicures on a monthly basis.  I just want to do it once.  I want my nails to look nice.  I don't need to go next month, next week.  I would just like to feel better.  This is my only goal this year.  I would like to feel better about me.  

I keep seeing the advertisements that all these weight loss shots will now be offered in a pill version.  I'm too afraid of side effects but I got to admit, I feel envious of the after pictures I see.  Every day it's a battle with me and food and I'm so tired. I'm not looking for the easy way out.  I'm looking for a break.  Every night I turn on the Healthy U TV and find some type of work out I can do when I sign off.  Every day this week I have been able to get out and get a walk in at lunch time. I got my little stepper I hop on to get myself moving throughout the day, maybe 3 minutes here, 4 minutes there.  This week, I used my pilates ring to do these leg crunches or maybe it's ab crunches.  I put the ring between my ankles, put my legs up and lift up, hoping to tone my cankles (I'm joking, kind of) and maybe feel less fat in the abs department.  Some people want abs of steel.  I would like abs that have less fat.  I'm not a lazy person.  I drink my water, get my salad and fruit in.  I'm not perfect and yet somehow I feel like any mistake I make adds 10 pounds.  I just want to feel better.

My mom is going to ask Jeremy to fill out her Homestead thing again.  She was going to give up.  I offered to pay her deductible.  It was too maddening between the mistakes that were made with two landlords.  I think I explained things incorrectly but she insists it's the other landlord's fault.  I can go along with that.

I decided not to go out tonight to see the Governors on Delaware Street.  It's a little iffy going out at night with potential ice spots.  We have one near our steps where I slid when I took Precious' litter out.  I thought I was ok walking out the front and I caught myself almost slipping and falling by the neighbors.  This sucks.  Now that I know other candidates will be there over the next 2 months, I will go.  Francesca Hong will be there on a Sunday later this month.  I know David Crowley will be there on a Saturday afternoon and Mandela Barnes will be there in late March.  I will definitely see him if I can.  I would hate for my mom to be out like this with her vision as well.  I know she said she'd do it but I can't make her do it.  Daylight savings is coming up so that'll help and I feel like having a party for that coming.  Can't come soon enough.

I ended my day when I saw that my claim got approved from last week and did an "ouch" when I saw how much I owe.  $180.  It's not bad, considering my deductible is $1200.  Normally I see a bill for $800 or $900 so this is a small ouch.  I didn't look at the breakdown of the claim but I wondered if maybe me getting the fancy laser gun cost me.  I thought of that after I left.  Damn.  On the plus side, I do look like I'm actually healing a lot better than I was a week ago.  It's ok. I have some money coming in and I can probably pay it all up front.  

I still have the matter of the unpaid lab bill.  Sigh. I didn't see any signs of that bill getting resubmitted.  I may have to call the collection agency tomorrow to explain that the lab will be resubmitting a new claim so please don't call me a deadbeat for a few weeks, please.  Sigh again.  

On the plus side, I think there are some things that will be covered this year if I need them like a biopsy or an ultrasound.  That was just the worse thing for me.  It's the cost.  I think if I understand correctly, my bloodwork might be covered as well too.  That's generally a $40 or $50 bill.  It would be nice.  I hope I don't have to have any of this stuff this year.  Well I do need the blood work, but the other two is way too stressful and has been a big source of anxiety.  I still think I owe about $380 maybe from the ultrasound?  Damn it.  It's been never ending with this stuff.

Hopefully it's just the eye doctor, my doctor, dentist, regular stuff and yeah, back to the dermatologist later this year for the yearly check too.  Not so complicated like it has been.

I talked to the thinker about things that happened when she was out.  She shared how the diva was combative with her during training and expected her to spoon feed her information.  I told her how she snapped at me when I didn't give her an answer right away.  She really made me want to punch something yesterday and even a bit today.  She probably has her husband tie her shoe laces.  All about her!  Gawd.

I told the thinker I spent the first few weeks of the year training her and my days were really taken up with her, hours on end.  I would maybe get an hour of time before things would start and maybe breaks throughout the day.  The thinker said she wants everyone to come up with a cheat sheet but she won't take notes when you're training her.  Just a spoiled little 60 year old brat.  Sigh.  I spent all that time and anything I did got criticized.  Blamed her training.

I guess I feel emotionally drained today too.  I'm thankful for better weather but don't want to go out in it tonight.  I told my mom I'll take her to the food place when I get home and do some of my ShopKicking at Target and Walmart.  

I just want to do something nice tomorrow morning because I spend my days feeling like I'm not doing enough.  I'm not good enough.  I'm just not enough.

I am enough. Tomorrow morning will be a treat myself moment.